A MUST Read!
Mary
We Have It All Wrong. Shunning
Offenders is Not Working: A Reaction to the Woody Allen Story
By Kim
Cottrell February 5, 2014
I’ve been
working on an article about caring for the bad dad, the man who molested my
sister and tore my family apart, and what it has been to sift through the wake
of my father’s life in photos, scrapbooks, and letters. After he suffered a
stroke early in 2013, he couldn’t care for himself and I did something I
thought I’d never do — I brought him home to live with me.
I’ve been
slow with my writing, but this morning a friend posted an article to Facebook
by Lisa Bloom, titled “Six Reasons Why Dylan Farrow is Highly Credible,” about
Farrow’s account of her abuse by Woody Allen. Bloom wrote:
“Child molestation is inherently
irrational, compulsive behavior. Little girls are commonly molested when family
lurks in the next room. Little boys are victimized in homes, hotels,
out-of-doors, anywhere and everywhere. The digital sexual assault Dylan alleged
can happen in seconds and leave no trace.”
I stared
but couldn’t click on the post. Heavy, burning waves hissed up from my gut
where they hadn’t been just moments before. I thought I might throw up and then
I recognized the feeling as terror. For a fleeting moment I contemplated
shoving the feelings aside and ignoring them. This time felt different and I
rushed to my computer, adjusted the screen so I couldn’t be distracted by the
words, and pounded out my thoughts about telling secrets, supporting humans,
and defending actions.
I’ve
spent years, waiting for the just-right moment to speak publicly. As a survivor
of incest, I’ve wanted a new way of processing the aftermath and a new
conversation rather than the old worn-out I’m so sorry for you, you poor dear.
I’ve rationalized that I was protecting my sister. I’ve told myself it wasn’t
my story to tell which was a lie. I became an expert at dissociating when I was
11 or 12 because there was no other way to survive sharing a room and a bed
with my sister. At some point, my father called me into the hallway. We faced
one another and I said no. I trembled, and repeated, no. My mother’s voice
called from the bedroom asking what was going on. I didn’t answer, instead I
rushed back to my completely unsafe bed and shook until I fell asleep.
Lisa
Bloom is right. Child molestation isn’t rational. My father wasn’t rational in
those years. What is also not rational is that anyone needs to justify a
disclosure of child abuse. Sadly, in our haste to find retribution, and in our
shaming, blaming, judging, and punishing, the victim and offender are both
vilified and neither adequately reintegrated or healed.
We have
it all wrong. Shunning the offenders is not working. Locking them up is not
working. Settling in court for massive sums of money is not working. Ruining
the life of the offenders in the name of justice is not working. Leaving
victims to pick up the pieces of their life alone is not working. The sexual abuse
of our boys and girls is still going on, generation after generation.
